december part two

i have been going to campus for weeks now but to no avail i could never find myself having the courage of taking foot inside my classes. ever since my continuous absences, i find myself scared and weak to admit to my parents that this course is just not for me. and the most worrisome part is that i still don't know my own interests, hobbies yeah sure, but to find something that i'm willing to study and go about to for days and even build a career around it, i can't seem to find it. 

its been raining heavily these days and i think im bothering my uncle, he takes me home from my school despite his work 30 minutes after and the fact that i don't even do anything in school but hide away from my responsibilities. another thing is that i fucking hate my coworkers. this has been a permanent feeling since i have started working. their constant sexual jokes and their obvious racism, its getting out of hand, i cannot handle any more of the anxiety i get from being around them. two of my coworkers are in love with me and i want to barf. i want to stick a knife down my throat in front of them and just scar their thoughts forever. i hate them with every fiber of my being. and the extra problem is that i can't even say stop or no because i can't find it in me the ability to be blunt and mean like that. i always just end up laughing and smiling, even when i want to just walk out and leave forever. now im stuck in a dilemma where this coworker of mine keeps giving and giving and thinking we're "work besties" when he obviously knows im gritting my teeth when i laugh at his jokes. i want to kiII him. but that's too much now. i guess the most i could do is straight up tell him i hate his guts. 

im full of hatred today. no, in fact i've been full of hatred since i started working.