december part three

 happy belated birthday to me. im now 20, and i sound so exaggerating, but i feel like things just got worse. im older and yet i feel so childish, it hurt me so much that my birthday was just like any other day. is it selfish of me to want to feel special on the very day i celebrate my birth? is it selfish to ask for my parents to, at the very least, do the bare minimum and give me attention on that day? i sound so petty, i sound so immature. i feel pathetic to even think this way when i know shit is going on home back at home and for the people around me. but i can't help this feeling, i can't lie on here when this is practically my thoughts. for twenty years, i have noted, all i ever did was be selfless. sure i indulged in my hobbies and interests, but most of my actions were almost always never only for myself. that is to be human, but can't i, for this one day, make it about me? 

i wondered if its wrong of me to say that. I've thought of it every night, sleepless and sensitive. crying to practically anything, its embarrassing really, but the tears are so hot and heavy and it just falls out for any reason. like broken faucet, i would cry for hours. one thought after another, it gets cloudy in my head. really i can't help but self-diagnose that im not okay, that this can't be fixed with a "this is just a phase, i'll cry and get over it." because inside I've been crying for years. i think i need serious help but would they take me seriously? what if i really am just being dramatic. what if im making things deep when it really isn't. have i been lying to myself this whole time? but why can't i stop crying?