december part one

 last night, i cried hard. i cried because im turning 20 in the 16th. this unhappiness (?) has resided in me for 20 years. and last night i had thought of ending things, ending it once and for all. it's quite a dilemma, really, because I'm a coward in a body of a tired person. i couldn't even listen to mitski last night, i couldn't find the purpose of her to fuel the fire when it's already lit and raging intensely, my tears were heavy and big last night. i thought of my friends, of how i have denied them of every love they deserve from me. i thought of my brother, of how I may slowly be making him a mini me, that i have molded him the way my parents molded me, using the exact same words and actions my parents did on to me, and he's only eight.i worry for him, and yet the words that come out of my mouth are what i don't want to hear from myself. I thought of my sister, the way I might be the cause of why she is becoming someone I don't know, I think of how she is achieving things and going places, I think of how she is working so hard, while I haven't come to classes anymore. I thought of my parents, their hopes and their expectations that weighed so much like the world is on my shoulders. I thought of how much I love them, I thought of how much they love me, but at the cost of me. but could I really blame them? they want a better future for me, and im a voiceless coward, a yes person, shell-like, barely there. I think I've lost it. I think I'm gone... last night I almost ended it, the blood from my teeth urged me to, it almost sounded too easy, but once again, the coward in me listed reasons. I am so useless, a waste of space, a waste of breath. the least I could do was disappear and yet even that I couldn't;t do, like every other thing people expect me to do, I just couldn't.. I have been writing this for the past 30 minutes, its hard to put feelings into words. I will stop typing it for now, im tired, and I have work. work that kills me every time. today, my soul will barely be there. I'm actually barely anywhere.