AUGUST

 hello it has been months. its currently august, school is about to start again. one of the many things I have always ran away from. im scared of confronting it, ive been delaying my enrollment, in fact I fear I have never had plans to do so. but with the watchful eyes and the interrogative questions my family has put me under, I will have to face it. either to do it or to admit to them that I can't. although I know for a fact that the latter is practically impossible, not when im still scared of my father. not when im still scared of my whole family crumbling down from its fragile state. and unfortunately I care for my family; I care for my brother, my sister, my cousins, my aunts and uncles although they've wronged me at times, my mother although she has hurt me so many times, and even my father even if he still causes me emotional damage. I love them. and I think that's my problem, I will always love them. but I dont love me. but I am also selfish. and I wish I could much for myself. but I cant, I won't. what should I do...

also, another update from my life to the non existent people who are reading this: I quit my job. although im struggling so bad with money, because my family thinks im fine, since I stay at home most of the time. although I would hate to be in another one, I need to get a new job. I am also writing in my diary. I really dont know what to say anymore, all I know is im filled up with anxiety as I count my days. 

AUGUST (PART TWO)

 I really wish I could write about happy things. but I feel like writing about being sad or being angry helps me smooth it out. maybe at some point I'll be less sad and write more mellow things like average things. maybe if I had a therapist that would be their advice... god I don't want to be like this anymore.